From the desk of Edward Lowebrau

A short while ago I made mention of internet dating, and why you should not do it. It’s pretty simple – If a woman was able to score favourably on the Hot Crazy Scale, had no secret children nor debilitating illnesses she would not be hunting for fresh meat online. But it can happen to the best of us – bit of a dry spell, stuck at home for a couple of days for one reason or another… Curiosity gets the better of you…

DON’T BE A RETARD.

Here’s a tale of one time I decided not to follow this little rule of thumb, and how I dealt with the resulting aftermath. Now this method can be adapted to apply to women met via all kinds of means, be it blind date set up by friends, or even someone who just SEEMED ok until you actually had the misfortune to spend some time alone with her. Ladies, this method may even work on The Clingy Guy, but no guarantees. Those characters are a whole pile of fucked up I don’t even want to think about.

So I picked this girl up, having already ignored a few warning signs. Things that I really shouldn’t have ignored. The resulting hailstorm of crazy is actually documented within the email I sent her as a means of finally getting her craziness the fuck out of my life. Not only did she contact me only once and never again, but she actually thanked me for my brutal honesty.

Now the objective here is to shame them to the point where they will never, ever contact you again, but ensure that you leave in so many embarrassing details that they wouldn’t dare forward it to their friends – thus ensuring you don’t gain infamy and unwittingly find yourself cockblocked 3 months down the track.

So without further ado – The Lowenbrau Crazy Bitch Evacuation Technique.

Dear [omitted],

I am writing to advise that it is my wish that you cease attempting to contact me via any means immediately. Although it would far easier and more convenient to leave it at that, block you from every medium thus far used for contact between the two of us, I feel it is important that I do the right thing and explain WHY I would like to sever all contact between the two of us.

First, let me recap some of the events of the past week. The way I have chosen to do this, is to list several occurrences and provide two possible outcomes; one representing the response of a sane, well adjusted girl in her mid 20s; one representing the actions of a maladjusted teen sociopath – AKA: A Crazy.

You chat with somebody, realise that we’ve got some things in common and even that we may have chatted before.
A – Normal Response: Maintain some mystery, discover superficial details about the other person and attempt to become familiar without divulging too much, as the internet can be a dangerous place.
B – Crazy Response: Divulge absolutely everything there is to know about you, including masturbatory habits, and complain that the other party is not doing the same. Leave no element of mystery and throw caution to the wind.
YOU CHOSE: B

You decide the other person seems trustworthy, and agree to make a date, and spend as much time talking as possible, to make the actual event somewhat more comfortable.
A – Normal Response: Continue to chat, although you may be excited it is a good idea to moderate oneself, lest things do not turn out.
B – Crazy Response: Rant continually about how excited you are, insist on coming round the night before because you simply cannot wait until the pre-planned date the following night. Text incessantly in between times.
YOU CHOSE: B

You go to a bar for the date, and have a good time, however it starts to get boring at about the two hour mark. Neither couple has a lot of money to spend, and it’s quite cold. Home is really the only viable option.
A – Normal Response: Call it a night early, or offer to come round for a short while and maybe watch a dvd.
B – Crazy Response: Get considerably drunk, and chastise the other party for being slightly more cautious. Stay for 4 hours until the other party is intoxicated enough to lose all inhibitions.
YOU CHOSE: B

Things heat up, and it seems you are going to sleep together. Not literally. I’m talking about sex.
A – Normal Response: Advise that you don’t want them to think you’re a slut, and don’t usually give it up so freely, but you’re really attracted to them. Do not pull out all the stops, attempt some modesty etc, remembering first impressions last.
B – Crazy Response: Do your best impression of a porn star throughout the entire act, down to requesting they blow on your face.

YOU CHOSE: B. Whilst this may have been acceptable behaviour in a one-night-stand scenario, your persistent attempts to contact me seem to indicate you desire otherwise.

You decided you had a reasonably good time. You decide not to spend the night, because you have work in the morning. You decide to send a text.
A – Normal Response: Send a text indicating that you had a good time and would like to see them again, if they’re keen. If they tell you they are not sure when, wait for them to contact you. Observe the First Date 24 hour Rule – You may send one text either on the way home or as soon as you get home, after which all contact must cease for 24 for hours.
B – Crazy Response: Send a text asking when you get to see them again. When told “I am not sure I have a busy week coming up”, send 3 more texts along the same lines. Wait until the evening then ask what they are doing. When given a short, slightly unfriendly answer plainly indicating that he is not keen to catch up right there and then, attempt to call.Then text them expressing your desire to fellate them. Then text/attempt to call on an hourly basis for the rest of the evening, despite no reply. Leave messages on MSN.
YOU CHOSE: B

Over the course of the next few days, they do not return any texts or messages.
A – Normal Response: They may be annoyed. It might be a good idea to not contact them for a couple of days. If they come back with a message after a short break, they’ll probably be keen to see you again.
B – Crazy Stalker Response: DO NOT GIVE UP! Just KEEP texting/calling/leaving messages. For extra effect, call shortly after that person goes to bed, that way you know they’ll be near their phone, and not doing anything important, you know, like sleep. Leave messages on their facebook any time they appear saying “WTF DOOD”.
YOU CHOSE: B

You scored a total of 5/5 on the “Did You Freak Out Your Date”. This gives you an estimated craziness score of 80%, or a “Crazy” ranking of 8/10 on the hot/crazy scale. As it is generally considered poor form to actually reveal to a girl how she ranks out of 10, I will merely inform you that it is below 8. Your position on the hot/crazy scale is below The Line. (represented by X=Y where X=hot and Y=crazy). This renders you ineligible for any further interactions with yours truly. For further information pertaining to the hot/crazy scale, please see the following short documentary: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zADosF3XoQ

Perhaps in 10 years time you will look back on this and reflect on how I saved your romantic life.

Kind regards,

Ed.

And there you have it. If ever you need to get a crazy off your back, just follow this technique and I guarantee the phone calls, text messages emails and IMs will stop immediately.

So you meet a girl, and get her number. You wait the requisite 3 days and give her a call. A date is made, and you’re picking her up at 8. Now where most women are concerned, the car you drive means nothing to them. Whether you’re a Ford man or a GM man, a Nissan or Toyata man, a Mercedes or a BMW man just isn’t that important. I could count on one hand the number of women I know who might actually refuse to get into a particular car – although there are a few rules you probably should adhere to…

Of course women are different, and the only way to really cover this topic comprehensively is to group them as follows: 18-20s; Successful Career Women; Single Mothers; Older Women

Ok so lets go!

Successful Career Women

This one is probably the easiest, you should be able to figure this out yourself. The successful career woman is not going to be impressed by your single cab one tonner, nor likely is she going to be amused by your 11 second Japanese sports car. This particular breed of female is turned on by Italian Leather, electronic lumbar support and Superior German Adhesives.

Appropriate Vehicle (Example):

Inappropriate Vehicle:

Single Mother

Although most recommend not dating single mothers(hellloo baggage), I will note that there are exceptions to this rule, and let’s face it, sometimes shit happens. If you’re man enough to deal with the fact that you’re going to be expected to stay in on many Saturday nights, and forget what sleeping in means. But I digress. A single mother is going to look for one thing in a prospective partner’s car: 4 doors. 4 seats is a given. A practical, quiet and comfortable ride.

Appropriate Vehicle (Example):

Inappropriate Vehicle:

18-20s

If you’re 25 or younger, there’s a good chance you’re going to have the occasional encounter with the 18-19 year old girl. Nothing we say is not going to stop you, and if we hadn’t gone there ourselves we wouldn’t be trying to stop you, so there it is. An 18-20 year old is going to be impressed with anything you bring to the table, provided they’re not from a privileged family, in which case see the entry for Successful Business Woman(although the blown Torana may appeal to her reckless youth). You almost can’t go wrong. Almost.

Appropriate Vehicle: (Yes, even that)

Inappropriate Vehicle:

Older Women

This is perhaps the toughest one to pick. Do you attempt to appeal to her long lost youth, and grab yourself a classic from a close friends’ garage, or do you attempt to impress her with style and hire an Italian sports car? The answer is: Anything masculine. If a woman is chasing down a younger man, she is after virility, energy, stamina. She wants a man who can plow her like a Canadian driveway, all night long. Steer away (hahah yeah I did.) from anything that takes away from that. Your diesel Golf, your Nissan Micra, just ain’t gonna cut it. You need a fast, sleek machine, a thoroughbred.

Inappropriate Vehicle:

Appropriate Vehicle:

And there we have it. Now you may be wondering “What kind of man has a car for each of these occasions?”. You see the trick is to learn your niche, and work with what you have. If your purchasing power limits you to the a use Hyundai, you should probably be avoiding the Successful Careerwoman altogether. If you’re a tradesman and have no option but to daily drive a ute, then you might want to look at a Shazza(not covered here, but anything local, V8 powered or with a tray on the back will suffice). If you’re lucky enough to possess multiple vehicles, then you may find this a useful guide when it comes to choosing which beast to take out for the night. And remember, the borrowed vehicle is always an option. Like you’re going to see her again anyway!

The internet and I have had a long and sordid history. I think I first ventured out in her shark-infested waters sometime around 1998, and within a year I had run into one of the most frightening creatures in the known universe – The Internet Girl. The Internet Girl is a cunning creature, whose powers of deception have no known limit. She will do whatever it takes to convince you she has the body of Scarlet Johansson, the intellect of Stephen Hawking and the sexual prowess of Cleopatra. She wants you to believe that she is the perfect woman, the kind any man would desire. They will use clever camera angles and cropping to enhance the illusion.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret – women who look like that, and have that degree of confidence do not find their boys on the internet. There is something wrong with her, without exception. If she is not out socialising and dating the old fashioned way, it’s because she can’t, because she is either overweight, has a child preventing her from leaving the house or a serious personality disorder (or more likely, two out of the three). THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS. A woman will exhaust all other avenues before turning to the internet. Even if she can prove to you she is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, she will stalk you, call you incessantly, or worse.

Not every girl on the internet fits this description. But the kinds looking too hook up with you are. You will not find your dream girl on the internet, either via irc channels, dating sites whatever. It seems easy, it’s a trap. Just go to a party, do the friend of a friend thing, hit the bars with a mate… You will not find what you are looking for online.

People always tell me how much they hate the nightlife in Perth and that it’s a dead city. There’s nothing to do, the clubs are shite, and the people are all dickheads and I used to agree. But now, I know better. You see, Perth does not offer you entertainment on a silver platter, that much is true. It’s certainly not Vegas, with bright lights and crazy characters  round every corner. It’s not a bustling tourist city, in fact it’s not “bustling” by any definition. But it’s not dead.

There are clubs to cater for any scene; we have numerous dance clubs, some offering a consistent style, some offering a different feel over various nights. We have rock and alternative clubs, a vast quantity of pubs and bars catering for any feel, from Irish pubs to cocktail bars to Aussie-style dingy shitholes, jazz clubs, lounge bars, it’s all there. Given the space and population we have, I think we’re doing pretty damn well. I personally have not travelled a great deal since hitting 18, but I don’t think the fact that Melbourne/Sydney/Brisbane may have more clubs and more people should make a difference to this argument. The problem isn’t the city, it’s the attitudes of the people.

Now, I’m coming off the back of a pretty epic weekend. Yes, we had a long weekend, but I deliberately had a quiet one on Friday and went to see Iron Man 2 with some friends, so that’s a moot point (PS, AWESOME).  Now besides one of my favourite bands hitting Perth on the Sunday, there was nothing else particularly special going on. No birthdays, nobody coming or going. Just a regular(albeit long) weekend. It was, however my last big weekend out for a few weeks. I decided at the end of last month that I needed to save some money for my own birthday, so I’m just going to try to get mates round for drinks for the next couple of Saturdays, possibly even until my birthday itself, and no big nights out for a while. I had about 3 weeks to plan and execute this last hurrah.

So, how did I pull off the best weekend since my last birthday? Ok so here’s what I did.

I did my budget for the fortnight and got $300 together. I could technically afford a bit more, but just to be safe I set myself a loose limit at 300. This is all you should really need. I stole an idea from some friends who had a birthday party the week before. The theme was “Suiting Up”, an idea pinched from popular TV sitcom How I Met Your Mother. The party was good, although I hadn’t planned on drinking and didn’t know that many people. I saw potential in this though, and decided to add my own flavour. I started an event on the ole StalkBook, and left it open invite, encouraging people to bring friends. Within about a week we had 30 confirmed attendees. The directions were simple: show up between 7 and 8, wear a suit and bring your A-game. The venue was chosen as Devilles Pad, as they have free parking, great cocktails and a comfortable outside area which is smoker-friendly.

I got myself a lift in, and in no time I was surrounded by good friends, great conversation, and much drinking. Everybody behaved well, although by midnight few were able to stand under their own power. Even then, everybody looked like a million bucks, I’m fairly sure a lot of people made new friends and caught up with old ones – I know I did. Later on the more adventurous of us carried on to Ferrarabar Karaoke in the city, where we had an absolute blast until the wee hours.

And that’s all there was to it. A tiny bit of planning, $200 drinking money (and that was enough that I didn’t have to check myself all night, I wanted a drink, I bought one) and good people.  The next night I went to see The Black Dahlia Murder at Amplifier Bar, and had a great night.  I had pre-drinks at a friend’s house, then drank the last $100, spent two hours in a brutal mosh pit, got kicked TWICE in the face, but even that felt somewhat like the icing on the cake, and I LOVE that band.

The hard part is getting people out, especially in winter. The theme helped a lot in this case but if you’re going to try that, pick one that anyone can join in on. It could be something as simple as everyone wearing hats, wearing all black, or just dressing up as classy as you can. People are already asking when the next one is, and some are planning a similar event of their own, like the idea never occurred to them. Sure this won’t work every weekend, you’ll probably run out of ideas pretty quickly, but it’s a great example of how to find your own fun, rather than just going out, standing in the middle of the city and yelling “Okay Perth, entertain me!”. It just doesn’t work that way. You need to seize the day, or you will find any city boring. Just offer people a purpose to go hit the town and they’ll have a great time.

So next time you find yourself lamenting the lack of nightlife, don’t blame the city we live in, because it’s probably your own stubbornness or lack of imagination keeping you from having a blast.

A time-honoured tradition amongst males, the Wingman is somewhat of an institution. The Wingman method dates back to ancient times, when Neanderthal man would have a cohort standing nearby watching for large game animals whilst prowling for an available female to club.

The underlying concept of the Wingman relies on one man having the other man’s back whilst the first man attempts to pick up available single ladies. In an ideal situation, the two alternate roles, with one doing the work whilst the other performs the role of re-enforcement, providing a sort of reference to the quality of the first, if you will. The presence of a good Wingman will give the impression that you are a likeable guy, with cool friends who will happily speak well of you in the presence of strangers. For the sake of this discussion we will refer to the two parties as “primary” and “wingman” If executed correctly, the primary will assume the role of alpha male, with wing doing what he can to look cool, whilst not eclipsing the alpha.

What To Look For In a Wingman

A good wingman will possess the following traits:

• Roughly on par with you in terms of physical attractiveness
• Not noticeably taller than you – women generally like tall men. If you’re 5’9 and your wing is 6’1, you’re fighting a losing battle.
• Is happy to go wherever they are required to go to get the job done – you must share an interest in the same hangouts.
• A general similarity in tastes is a good idea – if one man is only into scene girls, whilst the other prefers well-mannered well-adjusted girls with a Catholic upbringing, this simply isn’t going to work.
• Willing to work within the constraints of the Wingman/Primary relationship. Will not hog the limelight all the time, and will not make an attempt to steal the Wingman’s glory. Some slight ribbing is a good idea, but constantly paying out on one’s wingman is a no-no.
• Ability to think on his feet.

How This Works In Practice

The wingman and the primary will consult one another, make a decision regarding who is taking the lead, whether the intended target is appropriate (a wingman has the fortunate side-effect of compensating for “beer goggles”), and whether she has any friends which need to be distracted. In the case that the girl is with company, it is the wingman’s responsibility to distract them, so the primary may have a chance to speak to the girl without the distraction of her friends. This is know as “Flying Interference”, and is a massive advantage as some males will be intimidated by a group of women and feel they are on the spot, and are required to impress them all. This can also work out to the wingman’s advantage, as she may have hot AND single friends in her entourage.

Contrary to popular belief the wingman is NOT obligated to make out or sleep with a target’s less-attractive friends, however a good wingman will feign interest for the greater good. Taking one for the team doesn’t have to be an embarrassing or uncomfortable situation, although it may result in you going home alone.

There is some argument concerning whether or not the wingman is obligated to stay sober, either to double as “wheel man” or to check his friend when he feels his judgement may be impaired. I don’t feel this is entirely necessary at all, and two men may trade roles several times over the course of the night, particularly if one man is “striking out” or the other seems to be having some luck/is being eyed off by an eligible female.

The Wingwoman

Unbeknownst to many, girls can also use the wingman technique. Most of the tenets are the same, and in fact you will find most girls do this without even realising. The friend of a girl being chatted up will often play the role of a moderating force, quietly grading the would-be-suitor and discussing his pros and cons (usually on one of those mutual-bathroom-breaks that girls are famous for). One major difference is that a wingwoman will rarely “take one for the team”, and entertain a less attractive friend for the good of her associate.

A male should shy away from using a girl as a wingman. Women are by nature too competitive and will assume you are sleeping together regardless of what you tell them, or how ridiculous the idea is.

The Numbers Game

This is crucial. Whilst it is logistically possible to go on the hunt with two bros, a group of 4 would need to split into pairs, as when 4 men are out and about, this immediately becomes a boys night. The natural tendency to be competitive means that any one man who attempts to work it with a girl will usually have at least one of the group working against them, unless all other men involved are taken or gay, and they are uncommonly selfless.

Another facet of the numbers game – women in groups of four or more present a fairly serious challenge. Generally you will be looking at a girls night, and odds are even if one of the aforementioned females is interested in male company that night, it won’t be the one you choose, and even then she may decided to sacrifice her own desires for the sake of a girls night. Approaching a group of more than 3 girls with more than 3 guys presents significant challenges as well. The logistics of trying to pair off 4 couples are just too complex for the average night out.

Gay Wingmen?

Whilst it seems like a great idea, particularly in Perth, a large quantity of women are homophobic. Unless your gay wingman is willing to pretend they are straight(and isn’t camp as a row of tents) you may pull this off, but it’s a tough call.

So next time you and a buddy are out and about, keep in mind the tenets discussed here today, as some of these rules of thumb may prove invaluable to you.

Hello all, allow me to introduce myself. The name is Ed Lowebrau. Ok now we’ve got that out of the way, I’m sure you’re asking “Who the fuck are you, and why should I read your drivel?”. Basically, I live in one of the most isolated cities in the world – Perth, Australia. Now, saying that Perth is an interesting place to live is an entertainingly massive overstatement. To enjoy yourself here, you really do need to find fun, it will not find you. That’s part of what this is about.

The rest? Well friends of mine have been bugging me for a while to share some of my experiences/wisdom with the world, so here it is. So sit back and enjoy the ride, and I’ll do what I can to keep the articles flowing. I will do my best to cover subjects such as Perth lifestyle/nightlife, my absolutely hillarious dating experiences, and share what little nuggets of wisdom I can.

My good friend Aaron has kindly offered me hosting on his site, and in return I have agreed to help him with some content. I feel there is some promise to the idea, and that there’s a lot of general wisdom gained from life experiences that some might take for granted, but simply has not occured to others(I’m looking at you, nerds).